Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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