I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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