He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
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pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch