If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
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Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.