Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
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i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!