I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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