You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
