He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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