I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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