If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
