He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
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I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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