Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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