shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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