so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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