just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
