The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Still dying that you shit outside
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
