He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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