omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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