I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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