so that wasnt chicken after all
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
