he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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