for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
