No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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