I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
