3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
