Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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