I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
