and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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