yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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