quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
