you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my shit smells like andre
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there