Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
