My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
