I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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