At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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