Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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