Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
