His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
