I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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