yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
