come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
