What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
