Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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