Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
