I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize