Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
