I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
