this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
