he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
