worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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