If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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