I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
