God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
