Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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