i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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