I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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