i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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