he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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