I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
