there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
