My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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